Ask A FEA – Victoria Brown on Stress and Wellbeing

A glimpse at stress and wellbeing: Now that we are in the “messy middle” of the pandemic, what suggestions do you have for families on managing stress in this “new reality”?

VICTORIA: As families are cooped up together, create agreements for each member to have personal space. Take timeouts, vary the child care, utilize headphones, negotiate on noise and utilize the outdoors as a safe place to gain space.

With more anxiety about the business and world events, support each member’s physical and mental wellbeing. Help each other set a regular bed and wake time, eat healthy meals at regular times, exercise regularly, allocate both work and relaxation time, and make time for those activities you each enjoy. “I’ll look after the kids, so you can go for a run.”

Create calm in the storm by minimizing exposure to news and use trusted news sources. Remember what is within your circle of influence and what is beyond. Wear protective gear and try to avoid eating and drinking on commuter trains and airplanes.

As social distancing reduces our time with friends and family — Utilize video, phone calls or nature walks to stay connected with positive supporters who will encourage you and remind you of your diamond self – the best of who you are.

Update your shared agreements on communication in this new normal — Members to have video on during web-based calls, raise hands for questions rather than talking over another, look directly into the camera to connect and avoid discussing conflict while consuming alcohol.

Find ways to create and have fun — Lots of family social game ideas are available online. Do projects together: draw, paint, build or cook together. Change up the monotony with themed dinners.

Utilize your shared family values and unique family advantages to guide decisions and unite — Honesty, humor, tenacity, kindness. “Honesty is our value, so we will be transparent with our staff about the ‘why’ and ‘what’ of our decisions.”

Make sure you have communication forums for the family, ownership, board and management so decision-making is clear. Keep business and family matters discussed separately.

Separate emotion from logic. Utilize neutral sounding boards, such as your board or outside trusted advisors, with tough decisions in which you are emotionally attached, such as staff reductions and cost cutting.

Discern between assumptions and facts – check out assumptions. “When you arrived, I sensed some tension. I’m making up a story that you were frustrated because dinner wasn’t made. What was going on for you.”

Addressing the long term: How can families maintain a healthy relationship dynamic during this time of crisis, with no end in sight? What are the strategies for managing over the long haul?

VICTORIA: Families are uniquely interconnected. For this reason, we need to look at how we can increase the positivity and reduce the anxiety. Here are some of the ways to do so:

Manage reaction — Each member can contribute to harmony by managing their own emotions. Take the time to be calm before responding. Research points to taking 30 deep breaths to shift out of reaction. Speak in “I” statements: I need, I would like, I feel… “I need to think about that. I’ll get back to you in a day.”

Be compassionate — Celebrate progress and what you did get done versus what is still on the to-do list. While we are dealing with the day-to-day challenges, we are also processing what’s going on globally. “I’m doing the best I can with what I know at the time.”

Show appreciation — At a time when we all could use support, a kind word of appreciation can strengthen relationships. Each member contributes a unique strength and role within the family. The founder created opportunity, security and wealth. Siblings in the business demonstrate loyalty. Tune into what you can appreciate and express it. “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued.” — Brene Brown

Keep connected — Having regular family meetings and get-togethers keep the family prioritizing connection rather than letting petty grievances become center stage. Cousin Bob knows he will see Tom next week at the family barbeque, so he chooses his response to Tom carefully.

Support self-care and self soothing — When self-care is vital to keep immune systems strong, explore how the family unit can support each individual’s needs being met. Explore new ways to take a break: watch a funny video, play a favorite song, watch an inspiring video or listen to a podcast. “What exercise/relaxation is important to you, and how can I help you to do that?”

Find a positive perspective — It’s proven what we focus on grows. “We had to lay off 200 staff; however, we were able to keep 600 jobs.”

Stronger together: Everyone has a different relationship to risk. What are some steps families can take to ensure all voices are considered?

VICTORIA: Create a process for shared communication that is inclusive, scheduled and uninterrupted, such as a Family Meeting for important issues to be tabled. What are your concerns? What beliefs do you have around that? What support do you need?

Make agreements around communication that stipulates respect and a chance for all to be heard equally. “Help me to understand your point of view. What’s important to you about that?”

Commit to listening openly and paraphrasing to confirm what you heard was correct. “Here’s what I heard you say, did I get it right? Did I miss anything?”

Decide on frequency of communication that is needed to address current objectives. Who needs to know what and when in order for quick decisions to happen? Who needs to be involved in more creative thinking?

Establish which points the family is aligned (purpose, mission, values) and use those aspects to be over-arching for how decisions are made. “Our business is based on integrity. If we must lay off staff, we will do our best to help them find work.”

Be responsible for your own communication patterns that break down unity:

• Criticism — Use “I feel … I want” statements, rather than “you should.”
• Defensiveness — Practise active listening instead of defending. Treat any complaint as if 2% were true: what is the 2% truth?
• Stonewalling — Take a timeout and write down your thoughts and feelings so you can share.
• Contempt — Look at how to relieve the tension without sarcasm or name calling. Speak when calm.

Consider bringing in a professional facilitator to help navigate a conversation with opposing viewpoints.